Duart, here we come...

Sometimes great plans are made in pubs, last Monday was one such day. Having recently returned from a holiday a dad and his son, both regulars to The Leopard, were enjoying a few afternoon pints having missed their beloved Carling while they were on their 'Top Gear' style road trip, posing as James May and Richard Hammond.

OK, as I have probably lost you already, here's a brief explanation of the previous paragraph. The son and dad duo drove to Germany in "a reasonably priced car" for their holiday. Given the son's obvious excitement about the trip, I dubbed him Hammond (the son was an excitable little 'hamster') and so it followed that his dad would necessarily be 'christened' after one of the other two presenters, so I re-named him James May. I should also point out that there is NO inference that James 'The Dad' May was (or is) in any way a 'Captain Slow', he simply had a more 'mature' outlook on the trip. What's more, I do feel that the son deserves some kind of accolade; not only did he do all the driving, but completed the journey in only 15 hours, in a car that cost just £200!

Now you are with me again, I will continue. Jodie, (my heavily pregnant daughter, now enjoying Maternity Leave, and when I say enjoying I mean the freedom part, she is quite obviously lost without her 12 hours a day stint cheffing for the public. Such is the effect those of us in the hospitality trade experience when any breaks are taken, it often reduces us to seeking out other places in the hospitality industry to spend our time) somehow (sorry I can't recall exactly how) managed to bring into the conversation, with the son and his dad, that 'The McLeans' have a castle.

Jodie, not understanding the clan system, and ignoring the fact that one has to inherit the title of Chief of The Clan McLean to actually live in Duart Castle, simply stated that we OWN a castle. I picked up on this and began explaining to the son & dad that Duart Castle is the seat of the Clan McLean, that I am (by marriage) a McLean. I MAY have also intimated that the clan (it's lands and the aforementioned Duart Castle) should be mine by virtue (mine honour) of the fact that I was married to a McLean for some 17 years, and kept the name. I COULD HAVE also mentioned that I believed the Clan lands and castle to be my children's birth right, especially Callum, as he was actually conceived in Scotland.

From this small acorn a huge and expansive plan grew. Someone, (could have been me, perhaps) suggested that I should take what was rightfully mine and secure my offsprings' birth right. I have to say that despite living in very close proximity to a castle I had never considered the possibility of a Castle invasion before and I was (and still am) in awe at both the speed and relative ease with which our plan to overthrow this Scottish stronghold came to pass.

Given the son's prowess at driving, as proved by his trip to Germany, and the 'reasonably priced car' having shown itself more than capable, our initial thoughts led us to decide upon driving up to Scotland. A winter invasion was quashed straight away, aside from my having experienced winter and snow in Scotland (when it snows there, it SNOWS! A lot!) it was agreed that we didn't want to be baring our arses Braveheart style if the weather was not temperate! An Autumn invasion was also disregarded on the grounds that:

A) Autumnal Scottish weather tends to be much like an English winter - COLD!

B) The heather becomes very woody in autumn (making any foot charge very difficult and tiring). So it was decreed that spring would be as good a time as any for us to invade and claim Duart Castle, (in the name of Kaz McLean of Leopard) as it would be warm, but not too hot and because the heather would be in it's infancy and, therefore, softer underfoot. It was also agreed that we would need a good English Breakfast prior to setting off on our crusade, as an army marches (and must therefore invade) on it's stomach! A spring invasion also meant that we would avoid any Clan Gatherings and the other, numerous touristy attractions at Duart (the Castle is open to the public during tourist season), leaving only the Castle staff and Clan Chief - Sir Lachlan MacLean - standing between us and victory.

The hitherto quiet and deep-in-thought father of the recently returned duo, then interjected and asked if we could, once we had secured Duart, take a trip over to Germany to take back the farm and lands that he said rightfully belonged to him (as they had once belonged to his fore-fathers). It was agreed that once we had Duart under our belts (and sporrans) we would invade Germany too. At this juncture someone commented (and this, I am certain, was not me) that is was easy to see how Hitler had got carried away with his invasionary plans. It was me, however, that suggested utilising a Long Boat (after all, I do know a lot of Vikings) for both the purposes of getting from Oban (a lovely town on the mainland of Scotland, and nearest departure point) to the Isle of Mull (where Duart Castle is situated) and then circumnavigate our way to Germany for invasion number two.

By now myself, Jodie, the father and son had been joined by the holy ghost - 'Welsh Elvis' who readily agreed to be part of The Leopard Army upon mention of the Pre-crusade English Breakfast. Callum, who popped downstairs to make a cup of tea (planning an invasion is thirsty work) also said he was 'in', adding that it was the right thing to do as he was my son and heir. (Although I suspect, he relished the idea of a day off and a road trip too).

We were making great progress. Not only were our plans getting bigger, so was our army! We also democratically decided that as I am landlady of The Leopard, commander in chief of the newly formed Leopard Army and soon to be Lady Laird come Chiefess of Duart, that rather than the traditional blue and white of the St. Andrews Flag, we should paint our faces with Leopard print and, having secured my castle, our first action would be to lower any Scotish or Clan Standard that may be flying above it and raise a Leopard print flag in it's place. It was further agreed that I would provide both the Breakfast, the face paint and said flag.

We then achieved what can only be described as a stroke of genius! All of the members of our newly formed Leopard Army are familiar with a certain gentleman who is a member of a Jacobite re-enactment group that regularly visits both the pub and a castle a little closer to home. Given that he already has the garb, is built like a brick you-know-what and well versed in Kilted combat, we decided that we should recruit him to our ranks. In a moment of doubt, questions were raised as to how we could entice him if he was too busy or unsure about wanting to become embroiled in our plans. But, as the planning had, thus far, gone swimmingly and with us now being so hell bent on success, we could all see, in our minds eye, the enemy (café staff, groundsmen, cannon cleaners and current chief of the the clan) surrendering at the mere sight of our arses and hearing our collective cry for 'FRRRREEEEEEDOMMMMM!' that the answer was obvious and came to us quickly. We would bestow the 'Castle up the Road' upon him for his, what we were sure would be, valiant acts of bravery in the taking of both Duart and The Farm. (This bestowing will probably prove to be advantageous to the village, in that he could also deal with the problems of parking that sometimes occur in Tutbury).To give the Leopard Army a further surety of success, we also reached the conclusion that recruiting an actual bona fide Soldier, who is currently undergoing training, would be advantageous as it would not only help this young soldiers' career in the forces (inasmuch as he will then KNOW the struggles of battle) but that his knowledge of modern warfare would come in quiet handy too.

Now that we had a Jacobite among our numbers (Memo to self: contact said Jacobite & offer him Kaz's shilling in return for a good, clean fight & the aforementioned 'Castle up the Road') together with a real soldier (Another Memo to self: contact said soldier & offer him Kaz's shilling plus a couple of free Vodkas) 'uniform' needed a thorough discussion. It was agreed that kilts would be worn and each member of The Leopard Army should supply their own. In retrospect I should perhaps have suggested that the Maclean of Duart Hunting Tartan would be a better choice as it contrasts more sharply with the white of buttock flesh, whilst providing cover among the green, green grass of what will soon become home.

Whereas, in the brighter, more modern, Maclean Dress Tartan The Leopard Army would stand out like beacons, even in the midst of the mists of Mull. That not withstanding boys, if you are reading this and would prefer the somewhat more striking hue of the Modern Dress Tartan, which does scream "We're here, we ain't Mel Gibson, we mean business!" then we'll simply powder puff our posteriors with talc and go with it.

Despite our now sizable army, our numbers still required some increase if only to ensure that we out-numbered the enemy waitresses in the Duart Castle Tea Room. It was then I remembered another possible recruiting 'tool' - Duart Castle Whisky! Those of you who know me will no doubt be aware that whisky is my alcoholic Achilles Heel - a wee dram has been known to speed to my head like a bullet from a gun with varying (and often humorous) results. Fortunately, I dislike the taste of many drams, despite years of trying to become acclimatised to them, with the exception of the more expensive single malts. On one visit to Duart, (many years ago) I discovered Duart Castle Whisky. It was a wonderful, warming and smooth dram, unfortunately however, it still had the undesired affect and rendered me drunk as a skunk after a couple of modest measures. Callum, I would add, was not only conceived in Scotland, but his conception was due, largely, to my having consumed enough single malts to sink a long boat.

I informed the troops of the whisky and suggested we use it (along side Kaz's Shilling) as a recruitment tool. This motion was carried. I also mentioned that aside from cellars of whisky there were dungeons at Duart too. My only defence for what transpired next is that this military planning was being formulated in The Leopard and many weird and wonderful things have come to pass on the premises. One of our number suggested that we could kidnap Boris Johnson, supply him with acid, then sit back and enjoy the results. This leg of the plan was then developed further to include the kidnap of David Cameron, and various other MPs, who could be held in Duart dungeon, thus doing the country a favour. Whilst I appreciated the enthusiasm of the troops, admired their wanting to do other good deeds and recognise the need for soldiers to have a little 'R & R', between you and me, my mind was leaning more towards a 'fifty shades of tartan' idea for Duart dungeon. (NOT, I would add, with BoJo, Cameron, et al though!)

It was around this point that we we're joined by a friend of the father and son. The son asked if his friend fancied a trip to Scotland to invade and claim a castle, and without so much of a mention of either the shilling or the whisky, his reply was an instant and eager yes! (This did make me ponder as to whether ALL men secretly harboured a wish to go to war Mel Gibson style or if I was just fortunate to have a high numbers of brave customers in the bar for a Monday?)

Talk then turned to the fact that if the landlady, her heirs, the in-laws and a number of customers were off on this crusade to Duart, the pub would necessarily need to be closed and that I would need to put a notice on the door. We decided that the notice would read thus:

GONE TO RE-CLAIM DUART CASTLE WILL BE BACK AT 7PM - WITH WHISKY!

Simple & to the point. And, I assured my soldiers, as the good folk of Tutbury probably know that I would only close the pub for something REALLY important, that a lot of people are aware of the 'weird and wonderful' things that take place at The Leopard AND as most are aware that I do, from time to time, have some quite quirky ideas (I offer - The Leos, A Beach Party, Arm Wrestling Competitions, the upcoming Picnic at The Pub and last Sunday's first night of Quingo as examples) they would understand and no doubt be supportive!

How did you spend your Monday afternoon? I am going to hazard a guess that yours did NOT involve planning to invade a couple of countries, reclaim a castle and a farm, forming an army, planning to kidnap members of parliament or imagining yourself kilted, face painted with Leopard print and shouting 'FREEDOM!'. Am I right?

If you'd like your Monday afternoons to be a lot more entertaining, if you have a secret penchant for Castle invasions, look good in tartan, have a nice ass, fancy a brief visit to haggis country, can drink copious amounts of whisky, and will be available in spring 2017, then The Leopard needs YOU!